Dual Income No Kids Yet- Just In Case We Need Another Lifestyle Label

from thesimplemoneyblog.com

I am a married woman in her thirties, who happens to be childfree, (if not by conscious choice, definitely by circumstance). I could claim to belong to a growing, somewhat controversial group called DINK, or dual income no kids. DINKs get a bad rep though, often portrayed as selfish, self-centered consumers with the unnatural, character defect of not wanting or needing to procreate. While I haven’t signed up for the Meet-Up groups, liked the Facebook Fan page, or subscribed to the numerous blogs on the topic, my current lifestyle may grant me instant membership. To this, I reply thanks, but no thanks.

As if one doesn’t have enough socially imposed identity labels to live up to on a daily basis, why would I wear this one and all of the connotations that come with it whether they be positive or negative.

The real question and one that I am not certain there is an answer to is, why is there a need to create this lifestyle label in the first place? One: haven’t there been married couples without children throughout time immemorial in all of the cultures of the world? People assumed a couple could not have children and never mentioned it, lest it were a sensitive subject. Two: aren’t DINKs just the Yuppies of the new millennium who have decided to forgo childrearing? Why the need to label this lifestyle choice, or consequence, so specifically is beyond me.

The other part of the DINK lifestyle label that baffles me, is why is it such an affront to people with children? No one used to care. Perhaps because DINKs have come about in the current climate of Attachment Parenting, or as Bringing up Bebe author Pamela Drukerman calls American parenting, the “Child King Syndrome,” that it’s as if the general parent population, feel like DINKs are rubbing their freedom and financial stability in their collective faces. I’ve perused the websites and I see how some DINK couples are portrayed like they belong to the most exclusive of country clubs. On the other hand, perhaps DINKs are products of the “Child King Syndrome,” as well. Warded off from having children after witnessing their friends deteriorate under the terribly high expectations associated with current Middle Class parenting. (I specify Middle Class because let’s be real, a population on survival mode is not concerned with a “parenting style.”)

So while I am not a self-proclaimed DINK, I do share in that feeling of extended youth the DINK Lifestyle website mentions, because I do not have children yet. I am not afraid to proclaim this out loud and I think this may also be part of the controversy. The No Doubt song of my early 20’s, Simple Kind of Life says it best, “the longer that I wait the more selfish that I get.”

DINKs argue that they are not selfish but rather selfless and demonstrate an impressive array of reasons stemming from environmental, emotional and financial, as to why they do not want to have children.

I am selfish. The kind of selfish that I am though is not based on a narcissistic need, but in a newfound maturity that propels me to ask for more out my career, my relationships and from myself. For this, I have needed more time as a married woman with no kids. This type of selfish is often demonized and my asking for and actively pursuing more, confronts social norms. As a thirty-something woman, (and let’s face it, expectations on the female role have not changed that much), wanting more should also include wanting children. And I do. I just don’t have them yet. Can that reason be enough, or will society force me to create an identity label to explain my particular lifestyle choice as well? Perhaps dual income no kids yet, or DINKY for short?

By: W. Castellanos-Wolf 

#ThxBirthControl

I grew up in a conservative Latino home where sex was never acknowledged, in fact its existence was almost denied. My father would make me cover my eyes when people started kissing on TV from the time I was conscious enough to know that I was watching TV, until I moved out at age 23. Everything, and I mean absolutely everything I learned about sex came from my more experienced friends, books and programs I watched on TLC, Discovery or National Geographic, bearing titles like The Miracle of Life, The Science of Babies, and The Science of Attraction. If the topic of sex was never spoken about, certainly topics pertaining to my menstrual cycle and birth control were also nixed.

http://bedsider.org

Had I been a different girl, ignorance on such matters could have led me down a very different path. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, “In 2012, non-Hispanic black and Hispanic teen birth rates were still more than two times higher than the rate for non-Hispanic white teens.” And in the 1990’s when I was a teenager, this rate was much higher still. Somehow, despite being completely ignorant on the natural functions of my body, and where birth control could even be acquired, I escaped becoming just another statistic. I am thankful for this every day.

In my 20’s, out in the world and on my own, I thought that I had learned everything I possibly could about sex, my body and birth control. After all, I had had plenty of practice, successfully navigated the halls of Planned Parenthood, and had even taught Dance at a High School, which facilitated the continued education of pregnant teenaged girls. In typical 20-something fashion, I thought I knew it all, but in hindsight, I knew so little.

As a woman in her thirties, because I have had a genuine interest and have taken the time to research, I have finally learned a great deal about my body, birth control options, pregnancy and birthing. The crazy part is that I’ve had to do all of this on my own. My one-hour class on the menstrual cycle in 6^th grade didn’t teach me anything. My Health class in High School didn’t teach me anything. My mom didn’t teach me anything. Why is this vital information so hard to come by for girls and young women? We are blessed with an amazing vessel, for the female body is by any means miraculous, but given no instructions or training, and left to figure it out on our own.

http://bedsider.org/

But perhaps this is changing. This morning on twitter I noticed a chat being hosted by Bedsider.org and Upworthy called #ThxBirthControl asking the question, what does birth control make possible for you? Seeing this topic brought up and celebrated in such a public forum was refreshing and filled me with hope. Tweets posted reflected an empowered generation, one that will hopefully destroy taboos surrounding female sexuality, and inspire women to take control of their fertility by becoming armed with a well-rounded understanding of their bodies.

By: W. Castellanos-Wolf

 

I May Never Have Kids & I Need to Be Ok With That

Guest Post By: Anonymous with intro by Her 30’s

Intro

As a woman in her thirties, the topic of children comes up a great deal, though not in the conventional way. My friends and I are mostly wondering whether we will ever have any? Society keeps telling us that time is running out and that if we are ever going to pursue motherhood, we should get on it sooner rather than later. I understand the science that supports this belief but I still can’t help but feel like it’s a scare tactic. After all I have some inspiring examples of what most would consider belated motherhood: my own mother who was 40 when she had me, and my friend A, who was 42 when she had little B.

In a past article I wrote about how delaying marriage is not just a cultural trend but a fact among on the cusp Gen Xers and Millenials. I’ve also wondered what motherhood is really like after reading a very convincing article on Time Magazine called “The Childfree Life” by Lauren Sandler. What I’ve discovered on my 30-something path is that the definition of adulthood has changed. There is no rigid definition or timeline for reaching adulthood, being married, or becoming a mother, and this is scary and confusing and wonderful all at the same time.

photo credit: Time

The following is a guest post by Anonymous, wondering where her 30-something path will take her.

http://thechildfreechoice.wordpress.com/

Guest Post

On the plane ride home from a week of work I thought about my dance partner and how youthful, happy, in love and full of energy she was. The love between her boyfriend and her seems real and pure. When we would pass children on the street she would coo at them like I would if I saw a kitten. I also wondered why I always got stuck next to a child that was screaming or crying? I thought to myself, yeah I’m probably not going to have any kids.

Later I got up and waited in a long line for the bathroom. My legs were swollen from traveling, something that used to never happen. While I was waiting, a beautiful happy round stewardess passed by me and said, “Your daughters are beautiful.” (She was the type I would have loved drawing in life drawing class.) I told her she COULDN’T be talking about me. Then she said, “Oh these two little girls have hair just like yours.” Just then a lady came out of the bathroom. I went in and processed what had happened. I got chills up my arm.

The not knowing if I’ll ever hear those words “your daughters.” Was the universe saying “you may hear those words… did you like the way that sounded?” Whatever it was meant to do, it freaked me out. It made me feel happy, sad, hopeful and confused all in one. I’m in my thirties and single. I know I’m not the only one but it’s still very clear that I made a choice to exclude distractions from my life or try to at least. I made a choice and I may never have kids and I will need to be ok with that.

 

Motherhood

Time Magazine recently published an article called the “Childfree Life,” written by Lauren Sandler, in which she explores this growing and apparently controversial demographic. According to Sandler, couples are deciding to have it all by choosing not to have children. As a woman in her thirties still childfree but open to the possibility of motherhood in the near future, I wanted to get an honest account of what being a mom is really like. For this, I turned to a friend who was not afraid to honest, or to the point. For the full story click here.

Motherhood

By: Kimberly Deverell

New Motherhood: Read all the books and magazines, watch the movies, take the classes provided at the hospital, but NOTHING will actually prepare you for the journey that is motherhood except motherhood itself!

Mom Guilt: From the first moment you say the words ‘I’m pregnant’ welcome to a life that is forever changed. The maternal instinct immediately kicks in and you are flooded with ‘mom guilt’. It starts out with thoughts of ‘what have I been eating/drinking’ and only escalades from there.

Advice: As soon as you share the great news, everybody suddenly feels they are experts and should give you their opinions. What you should or shouldn’t do, which vitamins to take, what to eat, natural childbirth, etc. If you listen to everybody it will drive you crazy! The best advice I can give? Filter through the bits of advice and decide what is best for YOU. Only you know what is best for you.

To join the conversation click here!