When I was in college I wrote a paper for my Latin American Literature class comparing Jorge Luis Borges’s and Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s use of the concept of circular time, as a prevalent theme in their respective works. The concept of circular time, the idea that one lives within concentric circles and that just like the phases of the moon are defined by its placement in correlation to the sun, we too live out phases and cycles that also are defining, repeat and come to a close. It was fitting that on Sunday evening I found myself at my old alma mater, the very place I first explored the concept of circular time, stricken by the realization that one phase of my life was coming to a close in the very same manner, alongside the same people, and in the same space it had all begun. The house lights dimmed signaling the start of the concert. The ensemble emerged into view set up in a half-moon formation with Estrella Morente in the center. The guitar, the rhythmic clapping and then that voice, marker of my college years, soundtrack to my flamenco infancy right there on stage singing to my present self. My life flashed before me with every musical note.
One of the titles I wear is Dancer, specifically Flamenco Dancer, though the Flamenco part of that title was not always the case. Flamenco became part of my identity at UCLA where I took a dance class that I thought would be “just for fun.” Well, for the past twelve years of my life, this “just for fun” class has dictated and defined the choices I have made regarding work, friends, husband, lifestyle, goals and aspirations. I instantly became enthralled by the challenge of learning this new language, began exploring the culture and dances of my ancestors, and discovered this vibrant community of artists in Los Angeles, who just like me, have given themselves over to their passion for Flamenco; not for money nor for fame, but because it calls to us.
Estrella Morente was the first Flamenco album I ever purchased. I remember going to Amoeba records on Sunset Blvd. and perusing through their world music section until I found “Mi Cante y Un Poema.” I played this, her debut album to absolute exhaustion, learning the words, teaching myself to recognize the different Flamenco rhythms, but mostly letting the music fill and move me. Those first years, like the start of any new relationship were innocent and exciting. But twelve years is a long time and going from 22 years old to being almost 34 has not been all ruffles and polka dots in Flamenco land.
I have loved and hated Flamenco. It has made me feel elated and then made me cry from frustration. It has taken me on adventures and then abandoned me in the conventional world. It has brought me a sense of community and at the same time isolated me within it. Flamenco, as many would agree, is a complicated and tumultuous relationship to maintain. It gives back what one puts in, but it is never ever enough.
Hearing Estrella Morente live for the first time on Sunday, brought me back full circle though. Twelve years, like the length of a full compas or rhythm cycle, have passed. Royce Hall, the first stage I performed Flamenco on, sitting next to my then classmates who have since become my sisters, my then and now colliding as I listened to these songs that were once my introduction to flamenco life and are now like intimate friends. I felt happy. I felt closure. But mostly, I felt renewed.
I am ready for the next compas.
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